Sunday, December 2, 2007

Shades of gray

I love the colors black & white. I love their simplicity.
There isn't any question with black & white. No one says, "Hmmm, is that color blue or is it green? Maybe its aqua? Or teal? Blue-green? Green-blue?"
Black & white are easily recognizable. gray is an entirely different story.
While gray is a product of these two simple colors, gray is not simple. It brings up many questions and it isn't always easy to recognize.

People ask me all the time how I am doing, how I am feeling. It is wonderful to have so many people that care enough to ask and at the same time I feel guilty when I answer with some variation on, "Could be better, could be worse." I want to be able to tell them I am all better, that my vision is back 100% and I see things exactly like I used to, that my legs never give out on me, that my hands work just as they always have, that I never feel any pain and I don't ever get dizzy.
I want it to be black & white.
But MS is more gray than I ever imagined it would be and it frustrates the hell out of me.

Learning to live with gray is a slow process that I have not yet mastered. It takes patience. It takes time and a lot of perseverance. It takes acceptance.
My vision is gray and may be for a long time. It is not back to normal and I compensate in a hundred ways on a daily basis and I get by. I (usually) see better in the mornings but not always. My "magical" glasses help me see to drive most of the time, but often even they don't do the trick so I put them away and try again later.

Gray can be ambiguous and depressing, frustrating and dreary. It gives more questions than answers and at times it seems to spread so rapidly, taking over everything like a fog rolling in.

In those times the only cure is putting on some fabulous red shoes.
Red beats out gray any day of the week.
Red dances and stomps on gray's face.
Red is powerful.
Red is full of heart.
Red never gives up and seldom fades.

I love the colors black & white.
Though I like them best with a healthy splash of red.

1 comment:

Pam Mengert said...

Beautifully written! You looked amazing in your red boots at Thanksgiving. I think red makes us all feel just a little more alive. I pray for you as you walk through these gray days and I always visualize the light of the spirit within you radiating through the gray. You inspire so many people with your courage and strength. Remember you are never alone and never will be. God walks right beside you in this sometimes vast grayness and he will lead you with his strength. Your spirit radiates from the inside out and I can see it everytime we are together. What a gift. Love, Pam