Perfectionists. Type A Personalities. Overachievers.
I have always been a member of all three clubs.
I have always wanted to be the best at everything I did. Mediocrity was never an option for me. I have trouble sitting still for too long. There are too many things I want to be doing.
As we age, we can no longer do all the things we used to. With age comes the loss of energy, among other things. What you could do in any given day at 20 seems nearly impossible at age 40. I have just had to learn these lessons a bit sooner than most. What i could do at 27 now seems ridiculous at 29, but a lot happened in those 2 short years :-)
I have always struggled with defining myself by what i "do", by my accomplishments and by my productivity. As we age (or even face a neurological disease!) we must come to terms with the fact we can no longer accomplish as much as we once used to. But that doesn't make us less as people. Our lives can be rich with so much without being what we used to think of as "productive".
Easy to say. Much harder to come to terms with.
If I cannot define myself by what I "do" or "accomplish" then who am I? There are so many old labels that I can no longer live up to. For example, I am known for being fairly entertaining. I tell funny stories, I am occasionally witty. I think people enjoy my company, for the most part. So what about the days when I am really struggling to walk straight, can't see worth a darn and am in pain? What if I don't feel well enough to be funny and entertaining? can I still show up to the party as I am, even if I am not able to keep up my usual witty repartee? Or will everyone be disappointed that I'm not living up to my "usual self?"
Aren't we all constantly changing? relationships change, friends change, people have children and lose loved ones and get sick and get new jobs and all sorts of things. So I guess it is inevitable that I would change, too. Not in ways I ever anticipated, but that's Life, right?
Perhaps I have to come to terms with no longer being able to BE an Overachiever. I am going to have accept the words "good enough" and let words like "perfect" be something that lives only in myth and legend.
In fact, I have been sitting here trying to end this blog post properly for the past 20 minutes.
I am now walking away.
It is good enough.
It is not perfect, and sure I could have probably come up with a better ending, but I am really tired and fighting what my dad thinks is probably a sinus infection and I should be curled up on the couch with my husband and my box of kleenex.
It is good enough. And so am I. :-)