Thursday, December 4, 2008


This Relapse has settled in and gotten far too comfortable, to the point where I seem to be living in some strange twilight-zone-universe...

In this backwards sci-fi dimension nothing is as it seems. A stunning blonde beauty who "looks so good" is actually struggling just to stand in place while her legs wobble on top of numb feet with occasional vertigo to boot. One minute she feels very little pain, feels peaceful; the next minute she is writhing in pain that appeared out of nowhere that then disappears just as suddenly without explanation. In this strange universe, day and night do not exist. Fatigue sets in out of nowhere at lunchtime causing immense drowsiness. 

Times, days, all blurred together. Did she eat breakfast? Lunch? She can't remember! The brain fog is unbelievably bad. Like swimming through molasses just to get a thought out and form it into a sentence. Her body's electrical system is on the fritz and constantly short circuiting causing strange muscle spasms, tremors, ringing ears, buzzing legs and other bizarreness. At times it feels like her entire body is shaking. Or maybe she is just really cold.She thinks her dad called. Was that today? Yesterday? Did she remember to call him back?? Damn you brain fog!!

Cabin fever sets in, she is dying to get out, and then she is too weak to walk out to the car. Back to the couch. Is there actually anything left on Tivo? One minute she is starving, the next too queasy to eat and no appetite for anything. And her sassy blonde locks are falling out by the handfuls again, courtesy of the massive amounts of steroids she has just consumed. Perhaps she should buy a wig in every color and wear them to suit her mood. Today sultry brunette! Tomorrow fiesty redhead! 

Just spoke with my team at Shepherd Center to get their opinion on why, after all those steroids, I am feeling slightly worse, rather than better. They have advised me to come on in asap to talk it over and possibly send me in the good ole MRI machine. So trying to get an appt either tomorrow or Monday. 

Sigh. I keep telling myself that this Twilight Zone I am living in is a temporary state of being and it will end. 
I have to be patient and be brave. 
And remember to laugh at myself. 
And find my Happy Place when it is a really Bad Day. 
And let friends and family help me do those things. 
This too, shall pass. 



Karen said...

:-( MS sucks.

Jennifer said...

ugh, yuck, BOO.

i don't know what else to say, but i think about you tons and am sending lots of love, prayers and MS-less-ness your way.