Sunday, March 9, 2008


"The strength to get is understated and powerful.

Coping is quiet. There is no fanfare, no confetti. There are no parades.
Just a quiet task aimed at emotional well-being, if not survival, pursued in subdued and sober tones and spoken in whispers, not shouts.

The formula for successful coping rests in the eye of the beholder.
There is no magic.
Making peace is not a one-shot deal but an effort that spans a lifetime. "
- Richard M. Cohen

I collect quotes. I started collecting them the summer after I graduated high school. I have 2 journals full of them now (one a lovely book, handmade by my dear friend Kimmy). They are a diary of sorts, only filled with other people's words that have given me inspiration, hope, courage and much more over the past decade. There are lots of quotes on coping out there, but the above quote is from a fellow MSer and it really spoke to me.

I am having trouble coping today. I am in pain. I am angry. My vision is terrible. I almost fell down twice today (and no, I wasn't even drinking!) Once I lost my balance standing in the middle of the living room. The living room seemed to move under me and I almost fell right on my butt, but somehow managed to catch myself before that happened. I almost gave Chris a heart attack. Then I fell right into my husband while standing next to him at dinner tonight. If he hadn't been standing there I guess I might have crashed onto the floor. He noticed and was grateful to have caught me that time.

I am dizzy sitting here typing. The room keeps moving like I am on a boat out at sea. Then it stops and I feel better. Thank God it comes and goes. I don't know how people stand constant vertigo.

So a couple of months ago I noticed I was having some ringing in my ears every so often. It would come and go. Mildly annnoying. Then it became worse and louder and now it is constant. Yeah. Constant. Luckily if I surround myself with noise I can ignore it pretty well. But if a place is quiet, or more importantly when I am trying to go to sleep it becomes unbearable. It has really been affecting my sleep. And sometimes the ringing gets so loud I swear I want to rip my ears right off of my head to get it to stop. It is maddening.

I saw my ENT who tested my hearing and I don't have any hearing loss (which can sometimes be associated with tinnitus, aka ringing in the ears) So that's good news. So it is most likely neurological (aka could be just another MonSter trick) OR it could be a side effect of my interferon injections. Interferon comes with a whole host of horrible potential side effects so I guess ringing ears might be on the list? At least now you will understand if you come over to my house and I have music playing in every room...I am merely trying to drown out this incessant ringing!!! Well that and I do love music! :-)

It feels a bit like juggling. I can manage numerous unpleasant symptoms at any given time, on any given day. I can do my injections and not whine too much about them. I can adjust to not seeing well. But then occasionally I reach a point where I need someone to take one of them away. I am no Kempton Mooney. I can only juggle a few things at a time. I can juggle double vision+burning neuropathic pain+numbness+boa constrictor+fatigue, but I cannot add ringing ears right now. I need to improve my juggling skills please. I just need a little more time to adjust OR if I could have my vision back or feel my feet THEN I can do ringing ears. But not all of it at once. Pretty please?

If only it worked like that and I could bargain with the MonSter.
But he doesn't do bargaining, and even if he did...he just isn't trustworthy to keep up his end of any bargain.
So I am coping.
There is no magic, just the slow process of making peace with it all...

1 comment:

Kempton Mooney said...

You are stronger and a more capable juggler than I could ever hope to be. I went dancing in new York this weekend, but no one here dances as well as you.